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Normally the spouse does the grocery shopping on Saturdays. I hate most shopping as a general rule, but mostly the grocery store. Oh and there’s also that thing where I am a visual sucker so even going to the store with a list and on a full stomach doesn’t negate me buying crap I don’t need because IT’S RIGHT THERE AT EYE LEVEL. So it’s best if he goes alone. But sometimes I end up going with him. Today was one of those days. Today was also the day that the Girl Scouts set up their table selling their boxes of evil deliciousness.

And my husband wouldn’t let me buy a box of Thin Mints. He DENIED me Thin Mints. Now, I know he knows me well enough to know that he was (accurately) flashing ahead 6 hours when he would be hearing “HOW COULD YOU LET ME EAT ALL THOSE THIN MINTS?!” but still, dude. He looked that adorable little Girl Scout in the eye and said No.
I weep.
(Un)fortunately I remembered that my 10-year-old niece is a GS, so when we got home I texted her to see if they can ship those suckers. Answer: Yes! And get this! Shipping is FREE! But. Apparently there is a 4-box minimum for shipping. Um. Okay. And. Since they’re $4 a box and I like even numbers, I had to order 5 boxes to make it an even $20. Right? Right.
When I informed the husband, he was all, Hm. So I just should have let you buy the one box at the store, huh.
Yes. Yes you should’ve.
The boxes arrived today. I got creative.
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I have fat cats. And slightly overweight dogs. And am a chunky monkey myself. Why? I compensate with food. Sad? Cheer myself up with sweets. Happy? Reward myself with sweets. Any inclination of PMS? Indulge in whatever I may be craving. I feel guilty for leaving the dogs? Give them treats. Worried that I ruined the cats’ lives by getting dogs? Extra food. So because today Mr. Zoo turns mumble-mumble-rty and since yesterday was the last day of the previous decade which will not be named, I marked the occasion in the way I do best on any occasion.

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Those are chocolate cupcakes with frosting between the cupcake and the cupcake top, which has a little heart cut-out, and then sprinkled with powdered sugar. Mr. Zoo ate two of them before I pointed out the heart cut-out.

A recent conversation between my friend M and me:

Zoo: I’ve really been trying to eat better. More salads, no snacks in the house. The only thing I’ve allowed myself is melting a few milk chocolate chips in the microwave and eating with almonds.

M: That’s a good idea!

Zoo: Yeah, it’s going well this week. Wait a couple of weeks when I start PMSing and then need salt. Then sweet. Then hamburgers. Then candy. Then sugar. Then chips. And so on. My cravings get out of control.

M: Oh I know! I allow myself a box of Junior Mints when I go to the movies and I DO NOT SHARE IT.

Zoo: HA! Whenever I go to the movies it’s like a frickin smorgasboard I can barely make a decision. Of course I get like four things and then inhale all the food before the movie even starts.

M: OH ME TOO! Can’t take the leftovers home, can’t have that shit in the house, after all.

Zoo: Totally. Whenever I get really out-of-control cravings, and you know they’re intense when I get off my lazy ass to actually go to the store, and then get to the store and buy eight different kinds of junk food, I always prepare myself in case the cashier comments on the amount of crap I’m buying:
“Oh, I’m having my nieces over for a sleepover so I’m treating them to junk food!”
“Oh, I’m just getting ready for Halloween. You know, months ahead of time. And, um, while these aren’t on sale or anything…”
“Oh! Yeah. I’m just a fatty.”

M, laughing: That’s hilarious. So you’re inventing family members to cover your eating habits. Next thing you’ll find some kid to go with you.

Zoo: Totally, find some kid on the street. “Hey, little girl, wanna do me a favor? I’ll give you some candy if you do!”

pause

Zoo: Uh, that was bad. I took it too far.

Email

zooaskew[at]gmail[dot]com
October 2017
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